Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cloudless

This is how I died. I was lying on the clearing in some forest, looking at the cloudless sky. No movement, no wind, nothing. Trees were still, just as I always imagined it would be after a war. It was actually three days after the battle, but still I couldn't move, it felt like I had a knife stabbed in my bleeding heart.

I was waiting in a park. "This time, I'll tell her", I said to myself. She means so much to me, she should know that.
People were passing by, everyone seemed as if they were smiling, saying: "Everything's going to be fine." I believed. Looking around I finally got my sight on her walking towards me. The wind was in her hair, her figure was gently moving towards me, suddenly recognizing me, she smiled. Hug. Kiss on the cheeks. Eyes. Sun.
I was her friend for years so the conversation wasn't hard to start. Usual stuff and then some deeper talk. "Why is it so easy to start talking with her about all these matters?" I was confused. She was telling me how life is wonderful and I waited for the right moment to tell her. And the moment came, not for me, but for her: "You know, Dave, I'm really happy to be your friend!" [first stab] and then she started talking about a guy she met and that she's totally crazy about him. [second stab - I started to bleed]. 
I tried to defend, but her sword was too sharp and way too much out of a sudden.That's the war - that is not a war, it was just an escape! She looked so happy, but I thought I saw a reflection of me in her beautiful eyes telling me: "Tell her, Dave, it's still time". I didn't. I quietly listened until we departed.

Some people would almost call that a date, but for me it was a battle I surrendered. I wasn't a solider, I know that now. I wasn't a victim either. I was just the guy who didn't do the thing he felt.
I ran away, away from Her, not able to accept the deeds I did ... that I didn't do. Sky, forest, clearing; away. Dying? No, just my heart died. Before my eyes closed I saw a little cloud. It was a cloudless day, but there it was. One tiny cloud flowing in the sky. Or maybe it was just a thought - a happy thought that I could see again. But I didn't.

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